Sometimes I get so homesick...

... that I fantasize about coming home. I know, I know, I'm stupid, right? But here are some of the things I miss:

~Whole Foods Market. Well, okay, this is an exaggeration since a Whole Foods didn't move into my neighborhood until after I'd left the Boston area, but since it opened I've been back to visit and I couldn't believe the salad bar, all the microwavable organic and vegetarian food, the Odwalla Juice (which I fell in love with before it was owned by Coca Cola and would love to be outraged by this buy-out, but it means I can find it nation-wide - that is, when I'm in the nation), the Annie's macaroni and Cheese, and all the other fast organic and vegetarian options they had to offer. Also, I love Trader Joe's for similar reasons.

~Cable television: which exists in Spain, of course, but is not so widespread that it is in every household yet. It is not in mine. I used to be of the school that TV was evil, until I quit drinking. Now I yearn for non-dubbed entertainment that is even mildly absorbing. I didn't watch TV for years, and then suddenly I was in a place where I couldn't have it. When your choices are between TV and reading Stephen King in Spanish, your oppinions about the boob tube start to change. When I go home I can be glued to TBS or UPN for hours at a time watching ER or House or CSI, but when they're only on once a week here and I have to strain to understand them, you get to appreciate TV in moderation. It sure is better than drinking.

~Cars. Yes, they have their downsides: they're expensive and you never have a place to park, but if it's going to take you an hour to get there anyway on public transportation, why not do it on your own terms? At least in a car you're guaranteed a seat. And when you have to go to the supermarket you miss that trunk! And I can't tell you how many races I've had to miss because the first morning bus doesn't get there in time.

~Things being open on Sundays. In Spain Sunday comes along like an uninvited bank holiday and everything closes its doors. There isn't even any good dubbed television. Last time I went home I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to get everything done on Saturday since I was going to be busy on Monday. " Why don't you just go tomorrow?" said my mom. "But tomorrow's Sund... Oh yeah!"

~Vegetarian options on all menus, or at least saying the word "vegetarian" and having people understand what you mean. I'm sick of ordering a 15 buck plate and saying, "is there any meat? Is there any fish? Is there any chicken? Is there any pork? Is there any water buffalo?" And then they give it to me and I have a revolting experience because one of my noodles turned out to be a squid. "Oh, you didn't say anything about shell fish!" they say defensively. A squid doesn't have a f*&%ing shell!

~Less racism. This is not to say that there is no racism in the US, oh my no, I'm DEFINITELY not saying that, just to be able to call it by its name, and be able to call someone an asshole because they are a racist.

~An integration of different ideas. We may not be totally integrated, but it's not like we're totally ignorant of each other's cultures. Raise your hand if you know what a chicano is? Raise your hand if you know what a shirpa is. Raise your hand if you know what a small pox blanket is. Raise your hand if you've ever eatten Ethiopian food.

~Wide-open spaces: Spain is smaller than Texas. Texas is not small, but have you ever driven accross the US? Do you know the difference between Boston and LA? Mississippi and Washington state? Montana and Texas? Pennsylvania and Hawaii? Alaska and Arizona? Virginia and Oregon? Do you understand that California is bigger than Italy, Texas bigger than Spain, Portugal is only three times the size of Rhode Island but still only one third of the size of Massachusetts, Hawaii, or Connecticut? Do you realize that the lower 48 states are still bigger than all of Europe put together?

~American beer. Okay, I relapse more often than I care to admit, but that doesn't change the fact that Spanish beer is still on par with Budweiser... and that they use the King of Beers as a basis of comparison with American beers.

~Pizza Hut... So what? (and Denny's when appropriate, see last bullet point)

Things I can't stand:

~The only Sport out there being FOOTBALL (that's "soccer" to all you Americans).

~Being written off constantly in sport because I'm a chick, and menawhile not having any competitors. No, I don't want any chicks better than me, but I do wanted to be treated like a teammate, not a mascot. People talk to me about things like carbohydrates and training like they should be new concepts to me. I just want to be treated as an equal, dammit!

~Being treated like I'm stupid just because I have an accent. You wouldn't believe the shit I've had explained to me! People have tried to tell me what the Tour de France is, what triathlon is, what catalonia is, what a potato is, what a freeway is... all because I have an accent. What? Like I don't live in the world?!

~The RACISM. Just see my last post for ONE example. I promise you, he's not alone.

~I can't walk around in the street in my pajamas. You have to get dressed to walk downstairs to the bakery.

~Dubbed movies.

~Being an illegal immigrant and bashing my head against a brick wall every time I try to get a job that treats (and pays) me like a human being.

~Going to the library and having all the books be in Catalan, except Stephen King, which you can always find in Spanish. I hate Stephen King.

~The HEAT. For the next 3 months I have nothing but 90 degree temperatures with 100% humidity waiting for me. And I'm a sweater. Last summer the first thing I did after walking into the house every day was take off my shirt and hang it on the line so it would be dry for the next time I had to leave the house. And there are no fans in my gym. Sometimes the heat makes Claires vomit!

~Being stared and snickered at when people see my Nalgene bottle. Why do they automatically all assume it's whisky?! Then having no public bathrooms to go pee.

But I'm afraid to come home, not only because a close inspection of my passport upon returning to Spain could get me a free ticket to turn around and go back to where I came from, but because my family is on the DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY TERRORIST WATCH LIST! My mom and dad flew from Boston down to Virginia a couple of weeks ago for a wedding. When my mom (who has a different last name than my dad, my brother and I) went to print up her boarding pass at the electronic check-in her ticket printed out just fine; not so with my dad's. Please See An Associate, the machine said. You're On the Terrorist Watch List, said associate informed my dad. Please Stand In Line Over There. So he does, he answers questions for half an hour and they let him go. What the heck? Our last name's Italian!

Reason A why we might be on the WATCH LIST: Tim. My brother was studying abroad this year and spent one semester in Barcelona and another semester in London. He is an art history major and has done several courses in Islamic art. As most students studying abroad do, he has travelled a lot. He has visited 8 countries in the last year including, Morocco, Turkey and Malta.

Reason B why we might be on the WATCH LIST: Dad. Dad works in international business and also travels a lot. In the past few years he has visited Pakistan, Dubai, and Iran.

Reason C why we might be on the WATCH LIST: Me. Nearly a year ago I fell off the map: no car registered in my name, no cell phone in my name, no changes of residence, no W2 forms, no tax returns. I haven't existed since January of 2006 except a few international credit card transactions from Spain. Everyone knows that in Spain there are a lot of Muslims. Clearly, this must mean I'm on a jihaad. (Big Brother, if you're watching, I am NOT on a jihaad!)